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Spilling over with anxiety

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Spilling over with anxiety
« on: February 28, 2013, 03:13:57 AM »
It's 230 am here. I can't sleep at all. Not a very good night in terms of mental health. Over the last 27 years ive skated through this world with no consideration for others or myself.  This manifested itself in stealing, drug use, intimidation of those around me, and the endless capability to inflict psychological cruelty on others. This behavior started at age 10 as a result of sexual abuse. Before 10 I was a very sweet and kind child who spent most of his time doing positive things.

Around three years ago I finally decided to clean up my act and invest my time fixing what I had broken. I became obsessed with erasing all remnants  of who I used to be. I dump a long term gf, got rid of all my hazardous friends, stopped doing drugs, and stop criminal activity.

After years of missing major societal and psychological milestones do to drug use my coping skills and maturity were more like an 18yr than a 25yr. The good news is I was able to catch up fast with out suffering any major set backs.

With a clear mind I was able to not only evaluate my present life , but also my horrific past. To this day I can't believe how I was able to carry on such a horrible existence. The hardest part was digesting just how frightened people were of me from 10 on.

This brings me to tonight... I guess with such a losing record it's hard to see how my next shot at life will work. I worry that my underlying problems will just cause more chaos around me. All my new social skills make me feel phony. I worry that someone will see through my good outward appearance and into all the darkness that preceded it. Im also resisting the urge to solve problems with words rather than intimidation. These items cause me great anxiety about the future.

I guess like others I feel isolated with my struggle. When I look at another person, I see something completely different than who I am. I can never really relate, and I spend most of my time just trying to figure out what a hand shake meant, or a glance, or why someone did this or that. Usually I wind up completely confused and usually solving the equation with a paranoid thought about how they dont like me. I can only describe the feeling of isolation as this, I feel about people what a child feels about a stuffed animal they like. You like it, but if it were to be taken away you would quickly get over it and move onto the next stuffed animal. My understanding of how to make people happy is nil. When others attempt to enter my life I keep them on the outer edges, until they leave or push hard enough to get in my head that I stop all communication.

I guess the only option is to keep moving forward as fearlessly as possible. But that nagging feeling that we dont know the future because if we saw how horrible it would be we would just assume end it rather than waiting.

Ill be moving shortly to another state. I think getting out of the geographical footprint of who I used to be will be helpful. At the same time Im insecure about my ability to fend for myself.

Linkback: https://www.gynecomastia.org/smf/index.php?topic=27169.0

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Offline hammer

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Re: Spilling over with anxiety
« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2013, 07:24:27 AM »
xelnaga13, to move forward I beleive you must start with forgiveness! That forgiveness must first start with you! Once you can forgive yourself then forgiveness of others can continue and so can the love for not only yourself but the love for others as well!

I know many don't like to hear this, but I'm going to say it anyway! The love and help of Jesus Christ can help you with this from start to finish! All you need to do is ask him. If I can help you with this journey I am as close as this key board, or a phone call if need be.


Bob
I'd rather be hated for who I am, then loved for who I'm not!

I am who I am,  and I'm not going to change to please anyone!

https://www.gynecomastia.org/smf/index.php?topic=24515.0

Re: Spilling over with anxiety
« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2013, 01:39:42 PM »
Thanks Bob. Im in a better frame of mind today. Everything seems worse at night.

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Offline hammer

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Re: Spilling over with anxiety
« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2013, 04:47:23 PM »
Ok, but the offer stands anytime! It was faith that has got me through all my trials in life! I stand ready for any more to come, yes I also get down and out just like you or anyone, I need to turn to someone for help as well from time to time for a faith "pick me up" after all I am only human and a sinner too!

I wish you the best,

Bob

Re: Spilling over with anxiety
« Reply #4 on: June 03, 2014, 03:41:11 AM »
Hi Xelnaga,
Create your sleep schedule and engage in regular morning exercise plans. Try to relax before going to bed and be modest about food and drinks. Create a restful sleeping environment and manage stress with regular exercises.

Stones Sharp Accountants
Stones Sharp Accountants
Stones Sharp Accountants

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Offline headheldhigh01

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Re: Spilling over with anxiety
« Reply #5 on: June 16, 2014, 03:23:23 AM »
what could possibly be more legit than taking back your identity from the hand you were dealt originally?  the person YOU choose to be is the person you really are.  good for you. 
* a man is more than a body will ever tell
* if it screws up your life the same, is there really any such thing as "mild" gyne?

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Offline Paa_Paw

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Re: Spilling over with anxiety
« Reply #6 on: June 22, 2014, 04:31:51 PM »
I just checked xelnaga13's profile. He has not been active since August of last year. Hopefully he is lurking in the background and can see and feel our concern.

In case you are there, you need to forgive two people. First and foremost, you need to forgive yourself for having reacted so harshly. That guilt has been carried more than far enough. The way you reacted and the way you were is totally understandable. It is also totally forgivable.Then you need to forgive your abuser. Not because they need or want to be forgiven, but so you can throw off the burden of pain and anger. What you truly forgive no longer has any power over you. 

Grandpa Dan


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