Author Topic: Living with it  (Read 2297 times)

Offline Living with it

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I've had a similar life as many of you.  When I was 11 I began to develop breasts.  Not just puffy nipples, but full on breasts.  The first time I fully understood that it was more than just a little noticable was when a girl that I really liked in the 8th grade walked up to talk to me at PE.  I was really happy that she wanted to talk to me then she asked me, "When are you going to get your bra?"  The world crumbled around me.  At home there was no support except for my mom and one brother who was close to my age.  My other brothers and my sisters teased and harrassed me about it whenever they got frustrated with me and wanted to push my buttons.  High school was hell!  I went to an all boys school known for its athletic programs.  Lots of jocks and jackasses.  One guy touched me the first summer I was there and laughed saying he just wanted to see if they were real.  I ignored him and went on not realizing that it opened the floodgates for everyone he told the story to to take a shot at me.  There were times where I went head to head with guys because I'd been pushed too far and I was ready to fight and didn't care what the consequences were.  There were other times when people who I thought were nice surprised me and made a remark.  The worst of all was the touching.  There were too many times that guys just reached out and grabbed or flicked me.  Once during PE a guy I thought was pretty cool flicked my chest.  I tried to blow it off as an accident but then I saw him laughing with another guy about it.  All I could think about was why the f*** this was happening to me.  The guy apologized a few days later telling me he was an a**hole for doing that, but I could never forget and never let my guard down around him again. 
After high school was done I finally went to see a surgeon to try to get these things cut off.  I'd been heavy for a long time and lost a bunch of weight while half of me was thinking that if I lost weight it might go away the other half was thinking a small stomach would just accentuate the breasts.  It was a hard thing to do.  I was a virtual shut in during that time.  I exercised at home locked in my room so no one could see me.  When I saw the doctor he told me I had to lose at least another 30 pounds.  That killed me.  Then my family doctor stepped in and I don't know what he said, but the surgeon agreed to do the job.  I had the surgery 18 years ago.

Unfortunately I was left with some sagging bulges that are under my pectorals.  About 10 years after the surgery I went back to the surgeon and asked if they could correct that.  He agreed but he said he'd have to do it in multiple stages and under a local rather than knocking me out.  I went through about 5 surgeries to gradually lift the bulges, but things didn't improve much.  All I got out of it was pain and disappointment.  However, I will take the chest I have now over the one I had 18 years ago any time.  At least when I have my shirt on it isn't too obvious.  After the initial surgery I'd gained enough confidence to begin dating.  I took up martial arts to raise my confidence level, finished college, and got married.  Though there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel a little self-conscious about my chest, I am much happier about the way I look now than I did then.  Surgery was definitely the way to go.  I knew a guy in martial arts who was ripped.  Not an ounce of fat on him and suddenly one nipple swelled up.  He went to the doctor to told him they wouldn't do the surgery and he was having a hard time.  I shared my story with him and told him to keep trying with his doctor and talk to other doctors.  He did and he got the surgery.  The only problem was that he told my story to others who didn't have as much tact.  Unfortunately one person he told decided it was funny and one day when we were hanging around in a group, one of the women that we were with had a new baby.  The person told her to give the baby to me if it was hungry because I could breastfeed it.  The worst part about the comment was that it came from my teacher.  Martial arts was never the same.  I left soon after that.  I'd been with him for seven years and had worked hard to make it all the way and achieve a blackbelt.  That comment blew my trust and a lot of respect for my teacher.   I will never go back. 

The point I am trying to make is that surgery is something that I would definitely recommend, but don't expect a miracle.  Surgery can't remove the scars that have been placed in you from the cuts you experienced while living with breasts as a man.  It takes years for those to heal.  Just keep living with it and never give up.


Offline emjay

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Thanks for sharing your story. 

Offline manic91m9

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wow thanks for sharing. i guess although its hard to see when you are the the target of comments and groping etc. the truth is its really not that the people  are trying to hurt your feelings. it doesn't seem like a big deal to somone who hasn't been through what you have. to me i have sense of humor about my chest and although i didn't like it and have now had surgery i did find it quite humerus and didn't let peoples comments bother me too much. ultimately it sounds like you have burnt bridges with a number of people because of this and understandably have carried with you alot of emotional trauma because of it. i think it would be a gift to yourself to be able to forgive these people and see that they are just ignorant as are many people and disassociate your self worth from these experiences.


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