Author Topic: How to ask parents  (Read 4102 times)

Offline scottq

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So I am 19 years old, and I have had decently sized breasts for 8 or so years of my life. While I have always been chubby, my chest has always been bigger, or has had more fat then people in my weight range. I played highschool basketball all through highschool and stayed active most of my life and never really paid any attention to them because noone said a word about them for some reason, and I just thought it was because I was kind of out of shape and it was normal.  Last summer I tried to loose the fat by running every day, while I lost 15 pounds, my chest size did not shrink at all, but fat every where else did. My parents have never mentioned the fact that my breasts not porportional to the rest of my body, and I have never expressed any annoyance towards them. How should I bring it up to my parents? They have really started to bother me this year since I started college. In the past I have never had any problems talking to girls, but my confidence has gone down the drain and I have found myself being anti-social. People have begun to mention my large breasts which doesnt help either. I plan to begin running again after christmas break so I can tell my parents that I have tried losing wieght(again) so maybe they might understand. Any tips on what I should do?

Linkback: https://www.gynecomastia.org/forum/index.php?topic=3852.0

Offline blahblahblah

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You have the same background as me though i am now 23. Through uni and school nothing was really said of it though when i go out on a night time somthing is. I told my mother but not my father and i am about to book my op for feb. Its very hard to bring up, when i went to the doc they do not realise how much work it is. When i told my mother i was depressed for days though it is worth it as then you have somone even if its just one person to go with you and support you...

Good Luck and tell somone..

Offline vr4nut

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I personally decided not to tell my parents when I had mine done, although I (regrettably) wound up telling my mom because she got the impression I was saving my money for something and the ideas she was coming up with were worse than surgery for gyne, take my word for it!  I made her promise never to tell my dad, and I don't think he ever knew.  It did suck to go to the hospital and everything all alone, but it was just something I had to do.  A friend of mine picked me up from the hospital and I spent the next week at my parents house and nobody suspected anything.  

Now, back to your question- I can understand you not wanting to go through this alone at 19 years old.  I was 21 btw.  If you are nervous about breaking the news to them, you could try to drop subtle hints that you're up to something so that they will eventually come to you about it.  For example, your running.  It would be great for you to get into shape and that will also give your parents the first clue that you want SOMETHING to change about your body.  After doing that for a while, and when you are more comfortable about the idea, you can make an appointment for a consultation, and give your parent's home phone number as your callback.  Let one of your parents answer the phone, and somebody will say, "hi I'm such and such from Dr. so and so's office, is Scott there?"  Legally, the receptionist will not be allowed to give any information regarding your appointment or they face a $250,000 fine and 10 years in prison under the HIPAA laws, so you should be safe there.  It will be enough to get the ball rolling that somebody from a doctor's office is calling for you.  That will probably get your parents coming to you with questions, and you can keep them hanging until you're comfortable.  

On a side note, what are your main reasons for wanting to involve your parents?  That is a serious question, I'm asking so that I can help you plan in advance to deal with certain reactions and find ways to get around it.  Those are my main/ best ideas, let me know if you think it works for you or not.  

Good luck

Offline scottq

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The main issue is the cost.  They have always supported things I have done, or personal issues I have had with myself, for example, acne.  I am currently in college and have no way to pay for the surgery  and my parents arent exactly struggling. I feel if I let my mom(I am closer to her out of the two) know that it is hurting me mentally, she might help out, or help me through the process.

This past summer when I was at home, I went on a diet and ran, they knew I wanted to lose weight, but the only reponse I got was "You dont need to lose weight". I am not exactly fat, I have muscular arms, shoulders, legs, just my mid section is pudgy.

So really, I have to tell them, or express concerns about my body if I want anything to be done.

Offline vr4nut

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Cost is a valid reason, for sure.  If you think they will support you, then you can try a direct approach.  Sit down with your mom, talk to her about how you've been trying really hard to lose weight, but that your chest just doesn't seem to be responding.  Then work your way into your solution for it.  I really hope that works for you.  

Some parents work hard to support their children through this situation, and some don't ever admit that there's a problem.  We've even had mothers come on this board asking for ways to help their sons with gyne.  It all really depends on the severity of the problem and the value system of the parent.  For example, a slim boy with a C cup will be more likely to get parental support for an operation (even at 12-14 years old!) than someone whose chest seems disproportionately fat to the rest of the body.  You know your mom better than anyone here.  

When I was talking to my mom about mine (although I fortunately didn't need her financial support), I still tried to convince her I needed it.  She gave me the whole, "you're so skinny, you look fine, your chest is normal, etc."  Then I played the psych card.  I had previously suffered from a 1.5 year bought of major depression, which I largely held from my parents, but they did notice something wasn't right for part of the time.  I told my mom the gyne was contributing to psychological stress and depression, and guess what she said- "then we need to get you to a psychiatrist."  In fact, that may have been the first thing she told me after she found out that I wanted surgery for my chest.  

Think about trying the direct approach.  Hopefully you will get the same support that you did with your acne.  Let us know what you wind up doing, and tell how it goes, so that we can congratulate you or help you think of ways you can take care of it on your own in the next couple of years.  I have noticed a major boost in confidence since the operation.  I also don't waste any more time worrying about people noticing my chest.  Good luck!

Offline Grandpa Bambu

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Quote
When i told my mother i was depressed for days though it is worth it as then you have somone even if its just one person to go with you and support you...

Good Luck and tell somone..

It's very difficult to discuss Gynecomastia with someone face-to-face. Bin-Der-Dun-Dat.....  ;)    The only person that I told about my psycho-pain from Gyne was my wife, and that was just prior to surgery. She had no idea how I felt. She was very supportive though, for which I am very thankful.

Some guys want to do 'it' alone. To each his own I guess.... However, It's very comforting to know that someone is there with you to provide emotional support.

John.

« Last Edit: December 20, 2005, 05:59:46 AM by Bambu »
Surgery: February 16, 2005. - Toronto, Ontario Canada.
Surgeon: Dr. John Craig Fielding   M.D.   F.R.C.S. (C) (416.766.8890)
Pre-Op/Post-Op Pics

Offline BR_Guy

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I´m a father of a 17 years old girl.
She have a problem with her skin. I knew about that for a long time, but never paid attention. My reaction was, as many parents do, to say: "It's nothing to worry about. You are fine, and pretty"
(And besides I had Gyne, I didn't realize how important it was for her!).

But, when I start coming here, I got her.

So... a week ago we got to an endocrinologist and now she is taking a medication that will solve her problem.
We've been talking about and now I understand her needs concerning her look.

Make your parents know (really knows) how important it is for you. Once you did it, they will move everything around to make you happy.

Good luck, scottq.

Offline Vanatu

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I waited almost a week to tell my mother that i needed to go see an endocrynologist. Every time i sat next to her or was even in the same room it gnawed my mind to tell her but i couldn't. Then she was driving me i told myself "When we get past that house, i'll tell her", and i took a deep breath and did. She was very supportive and it made it a lot lot lot easier that she had seen the documentary "boys with breasts" on discovery(which i had made her watch:P).   And well i've got an appointment in january!  ;D

Offline scottq

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My mother is coming home to eat lunch with me tomorrow, I plan on printing out the story written by a mother on the front page to give to her after I explain the situation. Since I leave to go back to school on the 30th, I think now is the best time to do it. I am going to tell her how it has effected and ruined my entire middle and highschool life in some way or another. I have no once taken my shirt off infront of a girl outside of my family since the 5th grade, that includes girlfriends ect. While I was a big guy(6'3, 220) noone said anything to my face, I was mad fun of quite a bit behind my back during basketball practice playing shirts n skins. It has really begun to effect me in college, because after trying to lose them last summer I have been unable to, and it sticks in my mind when I try to meet girls at parties. I really dont know what else to tell her. I havent been truely happy every since puberty because of this "disorder" I have.

One thing I am worried about if we do actually make it to the point where I see a doctor is, I did, and still do smoke marijauna on a weekly basis. I started about 8 months ago, 7-8 years after already have quite large breasts. They havent grown in the last 2 or so years, so i know smoking has nothing to do with it, but I am worried the doctor or my parents will think it is a direct result. I guess I should worry about that when it comes to that point.
« Last Edit: December 20, 2005, 05:46:01 PM by scottq »

Offline Paa_Paw

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scottq,

Bring your post up on the computer screen and ask your Mom to please read it.  Once the secrecy ends and the issue is open, Discussion becomes much easier.

She is probably well aware of the situation but says nothing because she does not wish to embarass you.

Sometimes, due to the various pressures of providing for their families; parents are a bit too detached from this sort of problem. Should that be true in your case, it might be that a grandparent would be an easier person to approach.

One way or another, you will need to confide in someone within the family and get help.

Gynecomastia is harmless in the physical sense, (Though it can be a symptom of hormonal or other problems) but it often causes severe emotional problems. Embarassment, shyness, and lack of socialization are all common in young men who have it.

As long as you continue to suffer alone, you are destined to continue suffering. To get past the suffering, you absolutely need to open up to someone who is in a position to help.

Good Luck!
Grandpa Dan

Offline scottq

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I finally found my digital camra, so here are some pictures, not sure how severe the problem is. As I lost weight, my stomach got smaller, but the upper body stayed the same. I do not have any hard lumps under the nipple, if I do its very small. I know have some muscle under the fat because I am able to flex it.





These pictures were taken when I was kind of cold, my nipple diameter changes often, They are usually much bigger and oval than that.

Offline scottq

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finally talk to my mother about it. She had a friend whos son ad the same surgery. She printed out a list of plastic surgeons in her area(I go to school in alabama) and she is going to find one who does the procedure. My dad is also a doctor, so it may be hard to find a doctor that he approves of. Atleast I got it off my chest(wo).

Offline nowchase

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    • "Me vs. My Breast"
I think if I were you, I sit down with her and hold their hand like I did in my film (except I did this with my gf).  Basically, tell her that it is embrassing for you to talk about it, explain to her how you feel, and the issues that you faces.  How much it might for you not having to worry about this condition.

In term of losing weight, in my film the Dr. Lista said that breast issues are difficult from fatty tissues, workout might work if you are overweight have large breast.
Free Documentary "Me vs. My Breast"
http://individual.utoronto.ca/charlesh/documentary

Offline scottq

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The overweight part of my body is my chest. When I lost 20 pounds over the summer, I lost fat everywhere except for my chest. It was like my chest was immune to weight loss.

I am going to see an endocrinologist in the same town I got to college. she is going to fly down to attend the appointment with me. So far she has given me a lot of support and wants to get the surgery during the beginning of the summer, so I can recover before school starts up again. My dad, who is a doctor is also helping some what. But the bad part about that is, he doesnt trust many plastic surgeon and wants me to have the surgery through the university in my town(UAB). I made it clear that I would not be having my sugery performed by someone who was not experienced with gynecomastia. We will see how things work out.


I told my mother by printing out one of the mother stories on the front page. She read half way through it and wanted to know what the deal was. And I told her that it has been bothering me for the past 8 years of my life, and I dont want my college life to suck because of it, just like my highschool life. She only saw my highschool years from the outside since I was away from home the entire time, she didnt see me every day so she assumed I was happy because I had friends, girlfriends, played sports, but deep down I was a mess. I am glad I got this off my chest.

Offline nowchase

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First of all, losing weight is not going to help you!  Your breast consist not only of fat, it also consist of breast tissues which must be removed by lipo.

Also, try to get your mother to watch 15 minutes documentary I produced, it will have all the information she needs.

Best wishes and happy holiday!

Charles


 

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